i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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