I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
