True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
