I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
