Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
