6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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