im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
