soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
