I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
