I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
