I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
