Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
