i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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