shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
