I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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