She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
