girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
