Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
