Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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