Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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