We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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