I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
