Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
