If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
