turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
They are going to name an STD after you.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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