the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
