Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
