It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
