My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
