I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
They took my balls.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Of course I have a pirate flag
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
