I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
