when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
not ubering you a puppy
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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