we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
