currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
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