There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
