I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
