Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
