my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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