I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
