Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
