you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
