pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
