sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
