how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
