so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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