I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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