Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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