walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
