I'm so fucking centered right now
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
