im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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