My pussy is not your playground.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
